The Briefest Breath

With a life as ridiculously out of control and busy as mine I struggle to find chances to just relax and ponder the world around me. School is calming down a bit now, yet I feel equally as busy. I got word today that I have to come up with nearly two thousand dollars in order to come back to school next semester. With it being my last semester, I definitely need to be back here and, to be honest, I don't have the money. Paying rent, utilities, gas, car maintenance, and everything else that pops up in life doesn't leave much left over. I also had to buy a laptop this week because my old one died so I'm lower on funds than is usual.

I know the Lord will provide for me so, unlike last year when this happened, I didn't break down in tears and hate my life. Well, I did hate on my life for a while but when does that not happen? :) Instead of sobbing and whining, I reminded myself of what I truly have in life and what it is I'm striving to perfect. I have a wonderful family, a niece that adores me, nephews who think their aunt is pretty darn cool, and wonderful siblings and mother. I still have exceptional health. I still have a warm (relatively) house, a comfy bed, and schoolmates and teachers who care for me.

It's the moments where all this settles in and I get a chance to sit down and breathe that I strive for. I have a chance to remember what I've been blessed with. It seems in those few minutes where I remind myself of these things that the world around me seems to slow down, I feel warm and comforted and safe, and there is a golden future ahead of me. It's in those moments, despite how brief they may be, that I relish in the contentment and happiness I so actively pursue.

Limbo

I feel out of sorts with the world around me. It's hard to put into words what I'm feeling but, as part of the survival process, I feel it's necessary to get it off my chest. The last few days have been considerably slow compared to the first month of school but I still feel like I'm drowning under all my responsibilities. I feel like I'm caught between lives, in a way.

Part of me feels like running around stressed is what I should be doing. When I have time to relax, I don't know what to do and feel guilty for not working. When I'm with friends, I feel guilty for not doing homework but when I'm doing homework I feel guilty for not hanging out with friends. When I'm in class, I feel like I'm so close to finishing my school term but when I'm at home I feel like it could never come faster. Everything feels wrong because of this. My life doesn't feel like my own. It's as if I'm in someone's shoes and living their life while mine is only waiting for me on another day. Each night, I go to sleep expecting to wake up and find things magically better. When it's not, I wander about my day, meeting one deadline then another, struggling to understand what it is I'm missing while fighting to fulfill all these expectations.

It's like I'm being stretched ten different ways. Everyone wants a part of Bekah. They want her over here in class learning, over there teaching, working in this place, studying over there, hanging out over here, talking with her or him. Each time a new part of me gets stretched out to meet another deadline, another part looses part of the blood rushing to it. Soon, there will be too many pulls and tugs and the body will snap.

It still hasn't hit depression yet but it's barely above it. I have to sit myself down sometimes and remind myself to stay calm and logical. I feel like crying but when it gets that bad, I call a sibling and rant. I'm worried I don't have what it takes to be a teacher. I worry I don't have what it takes to work full-time, go to class full-time, finish all my homework, and still have a few minutes to read or write leisurely. These last two weeks were the first times I've seriously considered taking a semester off school. When I was younger, I always told myself that when things got so stressful that I considered dropping school, it was necessary to make changes.

Yet, where do I make change? In work hours? In class hours? In family hours?