Self-Evaluation

I've come to a conclusion. It's not a very extreme one or even a life-changing one. Heck, it isn't really a conclusion. It's more a realization. I was driving on Scatterfield- check here if you don't know about my Scatterfield obsession- when it dawned on me that I've been trying to hide that I was unhappy with my life lately. I'm a real passive-aggressive person. When I'm pissed at someone, I don't say anything but I give them dirty looks and sometimes talk bad behind their backs. I hate confrontation. It gets way too serious and my upbringing has taught me to avoid serious conversation because it's too serious and serious is bad. Well, I guess I'm passive aggressive about life as well. When I'm unhappy I don't tell many people. I keep in it. It remains private and unseen for quite a while until it explodes like an angry beast.

Well, I'm unhappy. I've said it. I finally admitted it. I'm tired of life. Not the suicidal tired-of-life, mind you. Nor is it the depressed tired-of-life. It's more the I'm-tired-of-constant-problems-and-issues tired. I hate change and I get easily overwhelmed. So now that school is different than before and I'm working too much, I'm overwhelmed and upset. The smallest things piss me off. I hit my foot on a thingy in the front room today and got mad. My roommate looked at me like my mom used to when I was in trouble and I got mad. A bird shit on my car and I got mad. Life stinks when you aren't happy.

That also brings me to another aspect of my life that I'm unhappy with. For several years now, I have been agnostic. Four years, to be exact. I think people became so used to the fact that I was agnostic that they kind of gave up on the idea that I would be anything else. Well, this summer things happened in life and I came to realize that I could no longer deny the presence of one great being. I now believe, and I do so fervently! I think people need to realize this too. They need to realize that they can give me religious advice. I still have a lot to figure out about my beliefs but there isn't much I love more right now than to delve into the world of religion and faith. I love my new faith in God and I love the way it makes me feel.

Anyway, away from that tangent! While I am tired of life and at a low point in it, I came to realize on Scatterfield that I need to take a different view of things. I look back on this summer and remember those priceless and indescribable moments where I was in such awe and speechless at the beauty of the world and want nothing more than to go back to those moments. So I made a quick and simple list of things I needed to do from now on. I want to try to find God in the smallest things. I want to see the beauty in the ugly, the light in the cloudy sky. I want to see the simple things around me and value them like I did over the summer. I want to be thankful for what I do have and have faith that what I'm not content with will change one day.

I know this is nothing that I can change overnight. It's not just stuff I want to do. It's stuff I need to work on. Things I want to polish and develop. Like all things, it's a journey and I need to start walking the path there even if it is hard and against everything I'm feeling. I need to make more of an effort to be understanding. I need to remember what it is I love so much about life. I mean, without a goal and without joy in the things around you, how are you supposed to live?

That's exactly what I want to do. I want to live fully and passionately, pursuing my goals and striving for the unknown that rests before me. Today starts a new day and this day will be the first of many.