Writer's Angst: Living in the Block

Forewarning: I complain a lot in this post. 

Do you know how it is to walk around each day and have a thousand thoughts and ideas flying through your head with no end in sight? Keep in mind, these aren't just random thoughts. It's the same thing, a thousand times over, in the same format, in the same order. Each one centers around a book that so very desperately wants to be written but cannot find the words when pen is put to paper. The only solution is to just step away before you drive yourself insane from frustration.

But as soon as you walk away from that paper, those thoughts are back to running circles in your head again. You want to write, you want to create, you want to show, you want to develop and plot, you want to write, dammit, but you can't. It's absolutely maddening.

But therein is the revelation that a writer so intensely pursues. A writer's block is not just in the writer's work and concerned with pages and words. It's in the writer's life.

This writer's block is part of my life.

Perhaps I am not so lost as to what words to put to paper as to what actions to take in my own life. Perhaps I cannot plot and scheme because I do not know the plot or scheme of my own life. Perhaps my fears with this book are not what they seem: the worry that I may not achieve enough pages, the suspicion that maybe the climax will not pay off for the amount of build, the idea that the secondary characters are not working efficiently enough to build up and push forward the main character, the general fear that maybe one day these books may never reach the greatness I have in mind for them.

Or perhaps those are all fears I have about myself. From not finding a job that pays, the destination of my life will not be as great as I hoped, that those around me are not as perfect as I once thought, to the terrifying thought that maybe, just maybe, all this work I put into living isn't nearly worth as much blood, sweat and tears I've sacrificed.

Perhaps my insecurities with writing are truly my insecurities with living.

A tidbit of writing to end a rather sullen post.