I Love Inspirational Speeches

You’re giving your lives up for the Serpent but, more importantly, you’re giving them up for the chance at life and that’s the goal we have to focus on. We cannot allow the nation to suffer under the hand of a tyrant who refuses to hear our pleas. For too long we have suffered. For too long we have remained silent. For too long we have watched our mothers and fathers, husbands and wives, suffer while our children starve and our neighbors disappear. There’s a point where we have to do what’s best for our friends and family and, sometimes, doing what’s best is certainly not what’s easiest.

This is our chance to change the future. This is the one time where our country is in our power. We can either decide to turn our back on them or answer the call for war and I, for one, will answer readily. As citizens, we must make Bladis see that this is not his land. This is not his nation. This is not his kingdom. This is our farm, our mountain, our home. This is our country and we will not let him take it.

Unhappily Unsatisfied

This week I've felt strangely unhappy. There are far too many things demanding my attention in far too many ways. I feel conflicted about a lot of things. I want to be happy about school but can't find the time. I want to get back to writing but can barely stay awake long enough to read 3 pages after work. I want to get stuff done but have no motivation when it comes time.

I think about how even the weekends that are supposed to be relaxing aren't anymore. I remember being a kid and seeing adults stress out about all the things they had to accomplish. They freaked out too much about it and I never understood when they did it. Now, I finally realize that adults think they can handle anything so they pile as much onto their plates until they crash under pressure. I never wanted to be like that and yet here I am. So from now on I'm emptying my week of anything that doesn't need to be done. Perhaps that will make things somewhat better.

Flesh and Blood or Spirit and Power

I think my biological clock has begun ticking. The last few months I've had moments where I wanted to have a child. I want to settle down, become so bonded to something that it feels part of me, give birth to life, and raise someone who will carry on a legacy. That's a lot to expect from a child but if I'm going to have a kid it's going to be one BAMF.

Only problem is I'm too much of a feminist. I could never allow a man to tie me down. I hate relying on guys and I have a feeling that would take away my relationship options. So I have to either get over my dislike of giving up my womanly powers or give up my chance at one day being married with kids. I'm not sure I can do that. I like being stubborn and independent and powerful!

Nor does it help that after two years I still haven't recovered from falling in love with the most sincere man in the world and never getting my heart back from him.

I think it's so long kids for me. At least I've got tons of nieces and nephews to raise.

A Lesson in Religion: Starvation

The craziness of these past 2 months has me barely thinking about anything but school and work. I've written 6 Book Bits since December and read an hour before bed each night but that's as much writing-related stuff I get done. I don't have much of a chance to think about it. But there's also one more thing I've almost completely forgotten about: My religion.

Somehow, out of all the things in my life, my faith was one that I've been neglecting for a while now, not just these past two teaching months. Ever since last summer, I've lacked in my concentration and ebbed in my faith. Lately, though, I've attempted to take time out of each day to meditate and remind myself of what I believe and find important.

It wasn't until today that I remembered the closest religious moment of the past two semesters. About mid-way through January I decided to attempt a fast of sorts. I don't claim to be Christian just because that's too strict a label so I guess it wouldn't be a fast. Whatever it is, it was perhaps the most strange thing I've ever endured. I arranged my eating habits so that I would only have one apple for lunch and a few chips or applesauce for dinner. I completely cut out anything but that (and beverages). There was absolutely no meat. One day I went with just an apple.

This was the hardest, most painful thing I've ever done in my entire life. The first day was bearable but the next were excruciating. My body went from always having food available to being denied basic sustenance. I wasn't just fasting. I was starving myself. Every inch of my body was in pain. My head was so fuzzy and light that I could barely think. My words were slurred. I got no more than a couple hours of sleep each night because I was so hungry. I remember my muscles screaming for energy, my head just spinning. When I think back on it now, I can barely remember those days.

It lasted five days. I decided that it was getting too risky for me to continue and called it off. While I know people think fasting is ridiculous, I haven't felt that enlightened in months. In moments where the only thing you could think of was food, it truly became apparent how frail life was. I rarely think about my mortality. I'm not expendable. I won't die that easy. I felt invincible.

Not after those five days. I realized I could die if I kept it up. There was nothing more keeping me alive than my own desire to live. I could have died in days. That's the amazing thing about starvation. When you are so close to death, so close to losing it all, you start to realize how much you actually have. Life is all about suffering, change, and difficulty. The thing that makes it worth living for is learning to overcome those obstacles.

That probably doesn't make that much sense though. Explaining how starving yourself brings you to a deeper understanding of your mortality and beliefs is hard to put into words. The experience was very beautiful though.

I guess I should at least concede that it did have a downside. Now when I'm hungry, I get such sharp pains in my stomach that it's almost debilitating. When I'm hungry, I'm famished and terrified I won't get food and must find something to eat immediately or I get migraines. It's not even logical how frantic my thoughts get. I guess that's just one more part of the learning experience though. It's evidence that at our heart, we still carry those primitive, instinctual desires for survival and will do anything to ensure it.

The Insect Within Us All

As I think through life and the changes we undergo, I sometimes compare the human to an insect. We undergo a transfiguration as life progresses. Our lives begin in the heat of summer. We preen, prune, gorge, and develop our being until we become a mature adult. Then, as the golden sun fades and the leaves dry up and glide to the ground, our bones grow weary and our instincts tell us to crawl into our nests and begin the great sleep.

We rush to prepare for the longest season only to begin a hibernation that lasts far too long. Our bodies waste away. Our minds are dulled. We no longer integrate ourselves with the environment natural to us. We remain cooped up in our nests, awaiting the sun and warmth for another season. Eventually, we forget our old being and become a specimen entirely focused on survival.

When the snow thaws and the sun rises yet again, our instincts speak a foreign message to us. We are to crawl out of our nests and join the world yet again. We know what the season holds. Soon we will be leaping about, joining our friends and mates and enjoying long afternoons in the comfort of their company. But we still must survive spring.

As we manage to overcome the frigid season between seasons, we crawl from our dens and find ourselves in a world too beautiful to be true. That golden sun we once thrived on shines down yet again. The warmth and wind tickle our skin. The end of the big freeze is in sight.

Yet, we do not allow ourselves to rest just yet. We find somewhere safe to watch the events surrounding us. Then the metamorphosis begins. Our skin is no longer our skin. Our bodies are no longer our own. The body that was once ours is now the belonging of a season far forgotten.

And so we begin to shed. We rid ourselves of what once held us to the past. Our memories, our lives, our selves are no longer chained to us. That old us, it is cracked from our untouched, youthful flesh, and we, determined to begin a new year free of old transgressions, crawl from our shells into a world welcoming of chance and success. The insect and the human, the self that we are, is now one as seasons change.

Fail

I think someone was having a few too many Saturday night drinks while on the clock.

Forecast: Clear with a Ray of Hope

Last week I decided to check out the average monthly temperatures for Indiana during Feburary. I wanted to see if there was hope of winter loosening its death grip on us anytime soon. The Farmer's Almanac said we usually get 40's and I said a quick prayer in my head for what I could only call a sign of hope. But I still have a couple weeks for the final stretch of winter. So I wasn't that hopeful.

Until today. I looked at the 10-day forecast and it called for none other than 40-degree days! Winter is leaving! Spring is on its way here and I for one cannot wait for the next few months to warm up, brown grass to return, and the sky to gain back it healthy blue color. Oh, spring, how I love thee.

Coolest Quote Ever

"For no men, no cause, no war. Because there is no cause greater than life. And life is here with my family. When I was alone, a return was all I dreamed of. And now, reality of being home is greater then any dream. To you my fellow travellers, I will carry you always in my heart of hearts. If we perish, we do so as one. Because it is with my family that I will stay. Till the end. The ghost of what I was will haunt me no longer. For I am loved. I am free."

Winter Sucks

Every time, and I mean every single gosh-darned time, I drive by my old apartment I feel like a little part of my heart is ripped out, thrown on the muddy ground, jumped on, and then shoved back in my chest to slowly poison and cripple my body. I hate my home. I love my old home. More than anything I wish I could be back there on my wonderful comfy couch, doing research papers and homework, working just one job, and petting my old cat.

Instead I'm in this crap hole excuse for a house, sitting on my ass wasting each day just hoping that I can make it through the day so I can wait out one more worthless day. I fail at teaching. I fail at my job (even though I'm relatively still a good, albeit lazy, employee). I'm not accomplishing everything I wanted to. I'm not accomplishing anything. I feel nothing but despair. Today, while with friends, was the first day in literally weeks that I could remember genuinely smiling. I miss the old days of summer, warmth, achievements, and eagerness. These days I just wait....wait...wait...and decompose, watching as the days pass by while my heart, and dreams, slowly die away.

Once-Monthly Post

At this point in the semester I have little time to do much, including blog-updates so this is just a summary of random thoughts I think are important.

1) Watching Animal Planet reminds me of Summer, or at least warmer weather, so I'm abstaining from watching it until the seasons change.
2) The months right before spring hits remind me of Avatar so I'm abstaining from watching or listening to Avatar music until at least March.
3) I've had four days off from school this week due to the ice storm. I should make a post later about my ridiculous ice storm adventures but I'm sure I won't until this semester ends.
4) I found a few apartments south of Indy near my sister's house so when spring break arrives I'm going to investigate the places and decide on one.
5) I got my hopes up thinking I was going to get 3 rats today but I had this little seed of doubt in my mind whispering to me that I wasn't being responsible by buying rat products and a cage. I ended up deciding not to get them because I should save that money for gas, bills, and tuition. While I know I made the responsible and adult choice, I still can't help feeling let down that I didn't get them. I wish I could have a pet. I just can't bring myself to spend the money on them.
6) As a great turn around from the previous point, I can get a dog in 3 months!