Learning to Listen

So this started my mental breakdown today.

At about 4am I woke up, which is not at all unusual for me since I tend to wake at that time each morning, I looked over at the snake's cage and wondered if he had escaped yet.

Now he's securely stuck in there so my worries were pretty unfounded and that's not really the point of this post. The point, dear reader, is that I don't listen to my head. When I invested in a snake I knew in my head that I would be terrified of the snake. I hate creepy crawly things. But if there's one thing I've learned in my short life it's that I'm the kind of person who never lives if she doesn't face her fears. So I got the snake despite all logical reasoning.

But at 4am, me convincing myself that I can face a snake each day slightly gave way to the real, legit, no-shit me. And at that butt-crack of dawn, all I heard in my head was, "Why the hell did you even get a snake? You are terrified of them. You are an idiot."

And that's when it happened. I realized that I knew all along this was a bad idea but I didn't listen. Because I am a Taylor and that means I'm way too stubborn for my own good. So I got that snake. I got him and I'll hold him until I get over my fear and become an effin snake whisperer.

But I also ignore that logical voice when it comes to other things. So bright and early this morning, my head said to me with much bravado, "You know, Bekah, you don't listen when it comes to a lot of things. You remember about two years ago midway through college when I said you didn't want to be a teacher? And then you just kept going on with that idea that you did? And then you started teaching and realized you hated it more? And then you graduated and realized you hated it more than was logically possible? And then you left Anderson and needed to start your job search? And then you ignored that job search for a couple months? And now you're sitting in a home that isn't even yours, working a silly job that is not even close to a career, with a 100,000$ degree sitting under your farm clothes still in its envelope, and nothing to prove for it but the idea that one day something will fall into your lap and opportunity will knock on your door. Well, this is what happens when you don't listen."

But that voice didn't stop there. I proceeded with my day, feeding animals and doing chores until the fury I felt toward myself, the unbridled disgust and shame, just exploded in the form of putting down my foot and saying to myself, "Get up off your ass!"

So to speak, of course. I'm an excuse-maker. I'm a victim-player. I'm a slacker. And now I'm fed up.

So I'm setting a goal for myself. By the end of February I will advance. I say that in such general terms because what if it really is the economy that's partly to blame for my career-less-ness. Well, my the end of this nasty, love-filled month of pointless winter, I will do something with my life. I will find some sort of goal.

Today, I'm listening to that voice. I'm doing what it tells me because no-nonsense me is far more logical that the other me. I'll find something more and reclaim my fervor for life and all that it offers.

Today is the start of tomorrow and a better future.