Negative Nancy

I'm picking up on a pattern here. For a couple days, I don't have homework or financial worries or deadlines to make. It seems I get a break and I start to think that maybe life is slowing down. Then WHAM! A dozen things pop up and I'm running around town like a chicken with its head cut off. I realized today that in my four years of college I've never been as busy and exhausted as I have this semester and I'm still not even a month into the year. No matter how much sleep, I get I'm still drained by the end of the day. No matter how much homework I finish, there's still a ton left. There's always something to do. It's never just 'sit down, relax, laugh, and enjoy things'.

I can almost say that I genuinely despise my life. I may not act like it but I am overall pleased with my life. I love my job, my lessons, my hobbies, and my family. I'm a resilient person and it takes a lot for me to say I'm unhappy. Right now, I can say that. I don't like things. I don't like the fact that work is full of backstabbing, classes are uninteresting, I don't get to see my family or watch my new niece learn to smile and laugh, or that there's no time to just sit down and relax. I absolutely hate that I barely have enough time to read, let alone write. I haven't typed a word of Book 3 even after 3 weeks of waiting to. I get home and I don't have enough energy to create a story. I have the ideas. They're all in my head. I just don't have the means to put them to paper and that is what frustrates me.

I got like this last year around February when I got promoted to manager. I completely fell into a downward spiral. I remember lacking motivation for homework, writing, and life in general. I had to entirely cut writing from the schedule just so I could get homework done. I was so overwhelmed with working full time while also going to school full time that I could barely stay above water. That's how I feel now; like I'm drowning under a giant river. I'm being strangled by everything I'm responsible for and not at all letting up.

However, when I got promoted it took well over a month, maybe even two, before I had adjusted and settled into a new pattern. I'm praying that it's the same this semester. I need the confidence to get over this hurdle and somehow stay on top of things. I just keep reminding myself to be patient and things will eventually fall into place.