Do you ever have those moments where you realize you're a total blonde and idiot? It's like after 21 years of existence I have yet to realize what the eff is going on around me.
I tend to pride myself on picking up on subtle emotions, reactions, and thoughts from those around me. I know, I'm arrogant but I can't help it, damn it. It's a side affect of my ridiculously incurable fear of talking in front of people and turning into a shuddering ball of shyness in a corner while a crowd of people drinks, laughs, and parties around me. I learned to shut up and listen more than talk.
Anyway, I finally realized today that I'm an idiot. When it comes to guys, I have zero tact. What I thought was a playful offer for coffee in the a.m. turned out to be a date offer I think.
Let's start from the beginning with a few of the fail relationships I've had in my life.
1) Stephen- My first year at school was in fifth grade. I instantly fell in love with a kid named Stephen. At the time I thought he was the best. When I look back now and remember him, it dawns on me that Stephen was a nerd. He had glasses. Big ones. He had buckteeth. He was short and stocky. But to my unschooled fifth grade heart, he was a the Justin Beiber of his time. We fell in love on the playground and after a few weeks of dating -which consisted of swinging where I always beat him because, let's face it, I am a tad competitive and I let me wild side- he asked me to marry him. Unfortunately, I was unready for this leap in relationship seriousness and refused to. With my grade school BFF Bryce, I assaulted Stephen. I actually stuck playground rocks in his mouth, told him no, and ran off to 'date' Bryce on the swings for about one day. I'm pretty sure if Stephen had emotional issues later in life, I was the root of them.
2) Jimmy- In 6th or 7th grade, Jimmy was a hellion. Everyone hated him. The teachers possibly vomited into their trash cans when they saw he was on their roster. Students rolled their eyes and sighed at him. He was the kind of kid that shot spit wads and cursed at teachers. I absolutely despised this kid. We had to sit next to each other in technology class and that was just when I was beginning to write. It was a very angst-ridden time in my life because my current BFF and I got in a fight over something grammatical and stopped talking...Life as a 6/7th grader was serious. Anyway, Jimmy would always pester me and poke me and giggle incessantly whenever he got a rise out of me. He wrote on my book notebook one day and I snapped. I stood on my chair, pointed down at him, and shouted about how he was a horrible person. I then ran to the bathroom to cry. Now that I look back, I realize Jimmy probably had a crush on me and was just being a pain in the ass. He was always nice to me for the rest of my school life even though he hated a lot of other people.
3) Rick- He was a grade or two older than me. We were in middle school when we dated for about a week. When he finally got annoying, I turned and punched him in a hallway. From there, our friendship fizzled. Who would have thought assaulting a boyfriend would end things so harshly? You'd think I'd learned things from my past...
4) Eric- We dated for two weeks Sophomore year. It was over Christmas break though and it didn't last long because he wanted more attention and I was too busy writing and gallivanting around the world exploring life.
5) Tyler- I had a crush on him for the longest time. I thought up this awesome scheme where I would get him to notice me and fall in love. It happened in movies so it would happen to me, right? So the plan went like this; when Valentine's day came, I bought him a secret admirer carnation from our school fundraiser thing and sent it to him. It was so funny to see his face turn red in homeroom when he got it. Everyone started asking him who he thought it was. Even I asked him. Eventually, he caved in and answered my question with a very straight face. Unfortunately, it wasn't me. He thought it was a whole other girl. I got so mad that I shouted it was really me and refused to every date him. Like I said, zero tact.
We'll skip a few here because when I got to college, the two boys I really liked turned out to be serious relationships that were fairly difficult to get over. However, I've been in class with this one boy for a few weeks now and we've been chatting. He lives two houses down from me on my block. Yesterday, he suggested that I come over and have coffee and breakfast with him on his front porch. I said I would think about it.
Everyone whose mother said that to them when they asked for candy knows what that really means. I did not get up early for breakfast with him. I did get up earlier though but only by 3 minutes so I could make a poptart. When I left at the buttcrack of dawn for class, I glanced down the street and saw him sitting on his bench. That's when it dawned on me. My tactless curse with guys had once again come through for me. I felt as if I had stood him up. I lowered my head and hurried across campus hoping he wouldn't see me.
One of these days, I really need to practice my man-attracting skills and get married so he can make me wealthy while I bring home strays and cats and write books I'll never get famous for because no one in my life has time to read them. One day, I will marry a hot rich man.
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