Limbo

I feel out of sorts with the world around me. It's hard to put into words what I'm feeling but, as part of the survival process, I feel it's necessary to get it off my chest. The last few days have been considerably slow compared to the first month of school but I still feel like I'm drowning under all my responsibilities. I feel like I'm caught between lives, in a way.

Part of me feels like running around stressed is what I should be doing. When I have time to relax, I don't know what to do and feel guilty for not working. When I'm with friends, I feel guilty for not doing homework but when I'm doing homework I feel guilty for not hanging out with friends. When I'm in class, I feel like I'm so close to finishing my school term but when I'm at home I feel like it could never come faster. Everything feels wrong because of this. My life doesn't feel like my own. It's as if I'm in someone's shoes and living their life while mine is only waiting for me on another day. Each night, I go to sleep expecting to wake up and find things magically better. When it's not, I wander about my day, meeting one deadline then another, struggling to understand what it is I'm missing while fighting to fulfill all these expectations.

It's like I'm being stretched ten different ways. Everyone wants a part of Bekah. They want her over here in class learning, over there teaching, working in this place, studying over there, hanging out over here, talking with her or him. Each time a new part of me gets stretched out to meet another deadline, another part looses part of the blood rushing to it. Soon, there will be too many pulls and tugs and the body will snap.

It still hasn't hit depression yet but it's barely above it. I have to sit myself down sometimes and remind myself to stay calm and logical. I feel like crying but when it gets that bad, I call a sibling and rant. I'm worried I don't have what it takes to be a teacher. I worry I don't have what it takes to work full-time, go to class full-time, finish all my homework, and still have a few minutes to read or write leisurely. These last two weeks were the first times I've seriously considered taking a semester off school. When I was younger, I always told myself that when things got so stressful that I considered dropping school, it was necessary to make changes.

Yet, where do I make change? In work hours? In class hours? In family hours?