Decorating the Temple

Someone mentioned that the body was a temple and sacred in the eyes of God. Therefore, they wondered if I thought it was acceptable that I got it tattooed.

I turned to this person, took in their dyed hair, tanning bed orange skin, ear piercing, artificially-whitened teeth, hair-spray molded hair, and politely smiled.

Stuck Between the Pages

You know you're back in the writing world when you start washing the dishes and feel guilty for using the water or when there's extra water in the bottom of the tub while showering.

I did miss my desert setting but I'm ready to jump into the jungles and see some rain. A writer's life is so...Odd.

Thanking on a Day of Thanks

Two years ago, I had the opportunity to spend a couple weeks in Florida with my family. As everyone who knows me knows, I am absolutely, 110% in love with Florida and our adventures down there. Those two weeks were exactly what I needed. It was shortly after a very tough break up with a boy I was very much in love with, the death of my beloved cat, and many other life struggles. Getting away to the coast was like going away to rehab.

Each night we went out or spent the evening driving home from a meal or adventure, I would search through m iPod and find a song to listen to. Eventually, I would come to this song every time. It's from the Australia soundtrack.



My particularly fav part was from 1:21-2:00. I listened to this so many times while in Florida. I will be the first to admit that while with my family there I would sometimes listen to this song and cry, not because I was upset or depressed but because I was so thankful for such a wonderful family who cared so much for me. Now when I try to listen to this song, I can't do it. Unless I'm in Florida, I can't listen to it.

Fast-forward to 2010. Today at work, I realized how important thankfulness really is. I would greet my customers and chat with them about holidays, occasionally asking what they were thankful for this year. Oftentimes, I would hear families, homes, girl/boy friends, mothers, fathers, etc. When I said goodbye and wished them a happy thanksgiving, they would smile back and, for once, genuinely wish me the same.

I saw their thankfulness and I felt it in return. You see a lot of times we get so caught up in the moment, in our lives, in our pursuits for happiness, that we fail to see what we should really be thankful for. I don't know if it's that I have so little this year or just that I've been away from home for so long but this year I am more thankful for my family than I am for anything else. There is nothing I would want more, no new house, no new car, no dog, no million dollars, than to be with my family. I would rather see their smiling faces, hear their shouts and yells, laugh at the ridiculous jokes, and eat food while we all poke fun at each other than have all the material positions in the world. I would rather be thankful for a million more of those Florida moments where everything comes together in a moment of contentment than a million dollars.

So this year, when there is so much I could be envious of, I will instead list the wonderful things I do have because, after all, it's those things that are making up my life and giving me happiness.

Even relatively well-adjusted adults can feel disconnected and sad after a move. It feels like my sister lives half way across the country. It no longer feel like I have a home. And just in time for my busy life to defeat my immune system. Now I'm sick. Blugh.

Hair Fail

I can literally smell your disgusting hair spray from half a block away. It's like I'm walking into a beer distillery. It makes me want to become an alcoholic and jump on watermelons at the same time. I hope no one on campus thinks you're an alcoholic.

Although, I must admit it would be funny.

Retiring

I think I'm more exhausted from driving than moving today. The new house is pretty cool. But it was a very bittersweet day. It doesn't feel like home yet and everything felt out of sorts. It was so far away and different from the old home that it felt like a dream. Plus, I didn't get to say goodbye to the old home. I don't think I like just leaving behind the place that's been my home for ten years without saying goodbye.

It's going to take a few days to recover from this one. I'm taking a break from life...for twelve hours and then it's time for a long week of homework and work.

Writer's Progress: Beginning

Today I started Book 3! It took 3 months but I finally had the guts to jump into it tonight. So far, I only have three paragraphs. I'm hoping to hit one page before the night's end but I'm not forcing myself into anything. A matter of fact, I'm not even going to hold myself to this book. If I wake up tomorrow and turn to it and find I don't like the intro, I may erase it and let it settle for a few more months.

All I know is that even within three paragraphs I already feel at home. I'm back in my desert, hearing the echo of the wind rushing through the canyon, feeling the sun bake my skin, tasting the grit of the fine sand on my tongue. The words are familiar. I remember using this syntax. I remember using the word Roan. I remember this world.

It is my home away from home :) There is absolutely nothing like returning to writing after a long hiatus.

I'll update in a few days once I'm 80%+ sure that I'll keep the book. Until then (and after some rather shocking news today that reminded me of our mortality) I'm thanking God for what he has blessed me with and taking a chance to breathe in his awe.

I Am A Professional

Today I was a professional.

When my student's parents entered the conference room, I stood up, politely nodded, and introduced myself.

"Hello, I am Miss Taylor. I am a practicum student in your child's classroom," I introduced. "I will be sitting in on your conference."

We exchanged formalities. They complimented me on my young age and distinguished schooling. I told them I was excited to finally meet them. We spoke about the brisk weather and approaching holidays.

My collaborating teacher entered the room. Together, we sat and looked over grades before beginning the conference.

The daughter cried most of the time. Why do you misbehave in class? I don't misbehave that much. Why are you so upset right now? You don't believe what I'm telling you. Why won't you just be easier to handle?

The grandmother sat back in her chair, obviously defeated by life and all she had seen in her relatively short years. The father interrupted every few minutes. I know she's a handful, she's my daughter. We'll have this fixed in no time. You need to pay more attention.

The child argued and shouted. The grandmother tried to appeal to her. The father pointed out her flaws without realizing it.

The whole time, I sat there in my cushioned red chair. All along I thought about how much I understood this girl and wanted to pat her arm and smile at her in comfort. I wanted to tell the father to bite his tongue and listen to his daughter. I wanted to tell everyone to shut up and just talk one at a time, following a logical pace and observing what they were saying.

But I didn't. Instead, I remained in my chair listening and waiting. Because I know that all wrecks eventually lead to recover. All wounds heal. An hour into the conference, when my teacher had left me with the child and parents, she girl leaned forward, met my eyes with those watery pools of aqua, and whispered to me in the quietest of voices.

"My problem is I just can't focus."

I knew she had turned around. I knew she heard us. I knew she was going to recover. But I didn't say anything. I only smiled and nodded my understanding to her.

Because I am a professional.

Writer's Thoughts: Comforting Moments

Double posting today because reading gives me a warm, fuzzy feeling in my stomach whenever I come across this part. It's a piece from Book 2, only a chapter or so from the end so it's a rather tender moment between MC Roan and the cat he'd adopted at the beginning of the book. After a brutal separation, they reunited for a time. Click on the picture to read it full size.

I love this part just because how monumental it was for the characters to finally reunite. In the middle of the climax of the book plot, and time, slow down for this brief, but intense, moment. I tend to read this part a lot just before bed because it leaves me with soothing thoughts and a light heart.

Inspired

Nothing like a new soundtrack to motivate me to start Book 3. I went to click on Microsoft Word to open up a new document for Book 3 before I reminded myself that I have an assignment to finish tonight before I relax :(

Alas, it was a wonderful day though! In spite of my depressed mood last night (consult yesterday's emo post) I had a rather delightful day. Class was enjoyable, I got lots of homework done, and spent a large chunk of the afternoon and evening hanging out with my education buddies.

When I walked back home today I was humming Jurassic Park. This is rare for me since it's such a cheery theme and I've been so down lately. It made me excited to see my niece and family is 35 days :)

Now back to my homework assignment and listening to the new Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows theme!

Gimme a Hand

There are moments where I feel like running out of the house, racing to campus, standing in the valley, and screaming at the top of my lungs for someone to help me. I feel like there should be a siren for emergencies in life like there are for tornadoes. When I'm distraught, I need a panic button to push. I need a panic room.

I need to escape.

If this month gets any harder I could very likely give up. I could quit.

I can quit school.

That's the only escape in my mind right now. There's actually another. I could get in my car, forget these responsibilities, fill up my tank, play my angry music, and leave.

I can leave this house behind. I can leave this town behind. I can leave this life behind.

I need to know I can make it out of this hole alive. I need to know that beyond this dingy town of depression and hopelessness there's something bright, there is something more.

Writer's Thoughts

I realized today that it's been quite a while since I'd posted about writing and my adventures within that world. So here it is! What is destined to be a long-winded post by someone who's in love with writing and yet can't master it even with the greatest minds as help.

By greatest minds, I mean these fella's. http://www.writingclasses.com/Products/GothamPubsDetail.php/publicationID/1


I convinced my mother to buy me this book back in high school and only unearthed it a week ago. It's a great book and by far my favorite writing guide. It covers all the basics of writing fiction and has so many little interesting tidbits that push me toward creating a great work of art. Granted, as I progress through my writing I become more skilled than I was ten years ago when I first started. I can notice the difference that took place over 2 years. Book 5 is scattered. It's crammed full of ideas and plots, many of which don't make much sense. I'm not editing it right now (just reading for recreation) because I know by the time I finish the two books before it the plot will be turned around again. But when I jump back to Book 2, my most recent, I can see the difference. It's focused, guided, and follows the logical path of creative writing.

I guess I have a lot to do but that's the fun in writing; you never really finish writing books when they aren't published. Anyway, I wanted to do even better on Book 3 than I did on Book 2 so I whipped out this guide to help me polish my writing. I've gone through page after page after page of notes, plots, outlines, and random facts/events I want to include in the next few books. My new favorite activity is character development. I've realized how important it is to know every detail about a character before you start writing. I've worked on my characters' histories, family trees, childhood, schooling, goals, ideals, morals, speaking habits, ticks, quirks, dialects, favorite foods, everything! I even did an activity where I placed two random characters in a situation where they were changing a tire just so I could see what would transpire between them.

I don't know why people avoid writing so much. I find such a thrill in the whole idea of creating something so amazing that I love it more than anything. I have to admit that if I never get published (something I desperately want to do one day) I would be okay with it, because I just love writing for the sake of writing.

I have yet to actually start Book 3 because of all these exercises and how busy my schedule is getting as I near the end of the semester. There are a few times each day, though, where I allow my thoughts to wander and I find myself back in the world of my novels, hearing the dialogue as if I were standing there, and developing plots as they unfold on the page. I definitely love writing. Once life calms down and school returns to normal I'm jumping right into those pages again :)

Waiting To See

After a rather rough week and an even harder day, I was driving home after a crazy day at work when I found this song on my iPod.



Brandon Heath is my new favorite artist and his songs are really deep and touching. When I heard this one tonight for the first time I couldn't believe how much it related to my life. In a time where I was so sure things were done, where my schooling could end, where my life could go in a direction I really don't like, this broke through the miserable bubble I'd woven around myself.

I kept going over how the plans I'd made for myself were about to be changed and how much I hated it. I was balancing everything on a few conditions and it was looking like everything I'd set out for myself was about to be lost. While I could still lose all those things, and while I'll still hate the fact that I will lose them, this song reminded me that it isn't my plans that matter.

Instead of worrying over the plans that I had set out for me I should be leaving it up to the plans I already had set out for me. I may not get what I want but I'm getting what God intends for me to have. There have been dozens of times in life where I never got what I want but I would never trade my past for that of an easier life. The struggles I've overcome in the past are what make me who I am and this is just one more obstacle created to strengthen and mold me as a person. While I love the life I have pictured for me, I can't imagine the wonder of the life God has planned for me and I'm ready to see that above all the goals I've set for myself.

I Think Not

I finally took my Praxis II today and I have a feeling I didn't pass it. I didn't pass it last year by two points. Unfortunately, I was stupid enough to put it off until this month, meaning by the time I get my grade back in December it will be too late to retake the test if I didn't pass it today. Basically, I have to take a semester off from school since I would have to put off teaching another semester.

Someone told me yesterday that when I take the test a huge load would be lifted from my shoulders and I would be relieved to have it done. While it's true I'm glad it's over I feel no less unburdened. Now I have to spend four weeks waiting for a simple score that could determine whether or not I'll be able to leave this town in the summer. If anything, I feel worse than before. I would rather spend the next four weeks taking tests every day instead of waiting on just one test.

I don't think I would even come back to Anderson University if I didn't pass the exam and had to take a semester off. I don't like the school and all my friends would have graduated by next year. So instead I'll either discontinue my education or just transfer elsewhere.

What a downer...

Connections

While at work today I got to see my favorite mall manager. We were chatting it up in the last few minutes of the day when I figured out a really awesome fact about her. Before I share that fact, I should mention that this woman is full of surprises. She's a straight-up Christian but she swears like a sailor. She loves eating chocolate and unhealthy things even at an old age. She's a sweater-wearing granny who loves riding motorcycles and sitting around talking about how trashy girls can be.

Well, today I found out that she once lived in Las Vegas and while there she developed very close friendships with the Italians. They were an incredibly nice family and got very close to her and her own family. She always wondered why they were so rich and drove amazingly expensive sports cars. It wasn't until they broke a man's arm in the back yard that they realized they were the mafia. They hooked her up with sweet deals (cars, restaurants, shows, etc). They became close with the mafia and she loved every minute of it.

When I told her I went to Italy and I talked about the supposed mafia members I saw, she thought it was the coolest thing. We now had a connection beyond all other connections. I, Italian, now knew someone who could hook me up with the mafia and she knew someone who could hook her up with Italy.

The only problem is that the mafia family she was friends with got in a fight with a Don from another family. Now there's a mafia going on in Las Vegas. Looks like I'm going to have to wait to call out some favors for a while. But I will eventually get that fancy red car and a steak and lobster dinner!

Also, something exciting happened this week. I'm now in negotiations with the top Australian Shepherd dog breeder in the United States. We're talking the Westminster here! More to come later when things are finalized :)

Yikes

Two hours is a long time. One hour is not so long and it's even less when you compare it to two hours.

What can be done in two hours? I asked google this. It said...
Rate passers by
Repeat the same word over and over until it loses its meaning
Try to swallow your tongue
Make Star Trek door noises
Pretend all humans will die except for people in room with you

Like I said, two hours is a long time. I don't think I want to drive two hours every time I want to go home.

Is it bad that the thought of having to drive two hours one way in a beat up old car on a busy highway makes me cry? Gotta love those hormonal days of the month. I'm sure that's the reason I'm crying...

Random Tidbits

I really, really hate that sentence. I've been reading this book for over a year now and every time I get to this part I predict that sentence and despise it just as much as the time before. Yet, I still haven't changed it. I probably won't until I finish Book 3 and 4 and reach 5 (this one) again. So a couple more years of hating that passage are bound to happen.

Today was ridiculously difficult for supposedly being my easy day of the week. Actually, it wasn't exactly difficult. It was ridiculous though. It was full of ups and downs. First class of the day wasn't bad, chapel was stupid and a waste, second class of the day was good, the hour until work was wasted because I'm too exhausted to do anything but stare at homework, work was okay while I worked with my boss, work was stupid when I worked with someone else, and after work was just a mental, emotional, and physical crash from it all.

On a lighter note, I purchased donuts from the school cafe today. They were good but after getting them I placed my ID card in my back pocket. When I got home later, I went to go to the bathroom, pulled down my pants, and heard a "Sploosh!". It was my ID card. It fell in the loo. Needless to say, I had to get my card back so I stuck my hand in the toilet to get it. Lucky for me I hadn't used the toilet yet so it was clean water.

On a darker note, today was really hard for me to get through. There were several times where I just wanted to curl up and go to sleep and leave behind the worries of a college student. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed that I feel like I won't survive the day. It's silly but true. I get so panicky and upset that I don't do anything right or logically. I went through the entire day like this until I got home from work. After a few minutes of detoxing while listening to some good fuzzy-feeling music, I started to recover and regain my composure.

Rash? I Call it Spontaneous

I'm the kind of girl who does stupid things when she's bored. Four years ago I thought it would be cool to get three piercings in one sitting. Three years ago I thought it would be awesome to get a nose piercing. Two years ago I drove across the country to meet my ex. One year ago I chopped off all my hair. Half a year ago I got two tattoos.

Obviously, that's just in four years. High school was a disaster. Well, I've learned to curb my ill-planned adventures. I don't randomly decide to go sky-diving and leap out of the nearest plane. Today I wanted to get another tattoo. So I drew it on my hand. This is the result.

This at least keeps me from actually forking over 40$ and regretting it. Now I'm just wandering around with a permanent marker tattoo.

I had so much more on my mind and had at least 3 ideas to rant about but it's that time of the month and I feel like curling up in the fetal position and sleeping away the next week so that won't happen. Instead, I'll mention how I watched an hour from Gangs of New York today in one of my school classes. It was a pretty cool movie but anytime I think about gang movies I think about Kung Fu Hustle and all I can see is this.



Makes it slightly hard to take anything gang-related seriously...

Nostalgia

Today I headed home to move out the rest of my stuff from my mom's house. I haven't lived there in over a year and the three before then were just school breaks. That home wasn't my home after leaving for college. Nor was school but it was a home I created, albeit left behind each fall. Sometimes, I think I get a sense of how military families must feel. Moving each year is difficult. You settle into a place you think will be the best one and for half a year it is the place you rest, laugh, cry, suffer, and mature. Then you pick up to find another place to call home for another half year.

I cleared out the room I called home for 18 years over the span of a couple days. When I had finished I stood back for a moment and looked at what I had gathered. 18 years of life were summed up in 7 bags of trash (that my mom will inevitably go through to ensure I didn't throw away some valuable trinket) and 10 bags of garage-sale/donation. The ironic part was that 18 years of my life were now gathered in two cardboard boxes, a knit bag, and two plastic bags.

When I walked up to the attic to store the items I had to pause and chuckle at the silliness of the whole fiasco. In an attic crowded to the rim with bags and boxes and items, there were two boxes of 18 years' collecting. My mom scoffed that I was only keeping enough stuff for two boxes. When I compare everything I kept to what she has, I can understand her disbelief.

I may not have kept much but what I did keep was important to me. Little books about grammar and writing, stuffed animals I loved, toys I loved when I was just a child. Those were important. Not old picture frames, awards and papers printed on dull pieces of paper, or ribbons tied around old gifts. What I kept was something so important that I needed to keep it just so I could look back and smile at who I used to be.

The other stuff I tossed out isn't something I'll miss so much that I'll regret it. I won't miss those high school awards, the picture frames that held the images from my past, the notes I passed around in class, or the trinkets I collected from toy dispensers. The way I see it, I have all those trinkets hidden away in my memory. I remember sitting in class passing those notes around, working for and accepting those high school awards, and playing with those toys on the floor of my bedroom. I look at pictures and they come to life with the memory of sitting on the corner of my bed and taking a picture of my cat while she smiled at me.

Moving so often has taught me to only keep the most important of objects and to file the rest away into my head. I will always have those memories of my family, friends, schooling, and pets. I won't always have those pictures or papers. So why should I carry around those pieces of the past and let them collect dust when, in time, they too will just turn to dust?

Though I am prepared to move on with my life (both figuratively and literally since everyone in my family is moving and leaving behind old houses) I think I've been struggling to accept it. Today I had to finally accept it and I was okay with it. Yes, I wallowed around my room for a good while and pitied myself. I was upset for a time. But now I see the value in giving up the past and moving forward. When you have enough memories to make up for the lack in belongings, when you can fit 18 years of your life in your car, you have a life more fulfilling than any life with a thousand boxes of pictures and a dozen attics of belongings.

I'm Adding Hoodrat to my Professions

On my way out of school today, I signed out at the office and sat down to wait for Carpool Buddy (who I burned out of the car this morning) to arrive from his class. The principal's door opened and three troublemakers walked out. When I picked my customary chair to sit in I didn't realize I was picking the middle chair. So the three hoodrats had to sit on each side of me.

Now I had three hoodrats twice my size sitting around me. It was really awkwardly silent for a few seconds because they were in the presence of the noble Anderson University teacher and I was surrounded by knife-wielding thugs.

Then one turns to me, grins real big, and says, "I ain't gonna bite, you know."

Needless to say, I added being late to the list of attributes I hate about Carpool Buddy.

Best News of the Day

I most likely have a new house to live in :) It's breathtaking and massive and has sprawling fenced-in fields for horses. There's even a sturdy barn with already built stalls for horses. The floors are hardwood too! The bad news is that it's two hours away from my house and that's the reason I have yet to see it in person. I'm sure the pictures I've seen don't do it justice.

Possibly having a new house is wonderful but at the same time it's so saddening. I spent over ten years in the old house. It was there that I adopted my wonderful late cat Kess and played with the old sheltie dog J.J. I remember the infamous day we cracked rotten eggs under the porch. I loved the day my niece came home to even now where she leaps and bounds down the halls. I remember spending evenings on the lawn watching the golden sun set over the fields, the bright green trees lighting up under its glow. Every time I come home, I begin the visit with chasing the dog around the yard because he's overjoyed to see me. I love the grill-outs we spend together as a family and the warm evenings I spend cuddling and admiring my strong sister and her family.

We had a lot of memories in that house and I think it was more my home than even my mom's house or even my own humble home. I've never dealt well with change and that's going to make this transition harder. But, as was once said, 'The key to change is to let go of fear'. That's the truth today. I may dread leaving behind the house I made all those memories in but the fact is I'm not leaving behind those memories. I'm leaving behind a location and taking those memories with me. Today, I may lose a house but tomorrow I gain the opportunity to make new memories and forever carry those golden ones with me.

Because of that, I can cope with this change. My family, my pets, my memories, and our future resides in that new house and soon I will too.

Election Day

Every time I saw a status on Facebook or heard a comment around campus today I realized how incompetent my peers are. Only a handful actually know what goes into voting and the government. The other half...They just paint themselves as stupid, ignorant, uneducated bigots.

If you're going to complain about voting, government, or policy then at least attempt to educate yourself on the topic.

Those of us who are educated point and laugh about how ridiculous you are.

This is How I'm Going to Die

My carpool buddy refuses to turn on the heat on our trips to and from school. Now, this may not seem like a big deal compared to the catastrophic things that often happen in life but it's monumental for me.

That's because I thrive in warmth. If I'm not warm, I'm not awake, functioning, alive. When we leave at 7am for school it is freezing. Literally. There is frost outside. This Friday calls for snow. In spite of that and knowing full-well how cold it is (I bitch about it all morning) Carpool Buddy does not turn on the heat.

To make it worse, he actually runs the AC so he can defrost the windows. THE AC AT 7AM ON A NOVEMBER MORNING.

He was complaining how he had a cold and couldn't understand where it came from. I just wanted to turn to him, point at the AC controls, and scream, "YOU IDIOT, IT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE ICING YOUR CAR IN THE FREAKING MORNING!! WE AREN'T IN HAWAII, DAMMIT, TURN ON THE HEAT!"

Somehow, I bite my tongue. I'll show him when it's my turn to drive. My car is going to be a furnace and I will rejoice in it.